I am arriving at a place I dreamed of as a young lad(using this word as a tribute to the UK). On the way the road twisted, dead ended, forked, crossed…you name it, the road did it.
I thought I thought of everything. Really I did. I felt sorry for artists that started to believe the nonsense. Like believing that you’re as special as people want to think you are.
I looked on at the admirable jobs and places in the music world and decided that if I get my shot, I will do it with kindness and love and respect and I will make my parents proud, whether they are here to see it or not.
I decided that music is my ongoing road to find myself. The closer I got to that special music and connection, the closer I would get to knowing my true self.
I’m pretty sure that all of this was accurately moving towards truly working out as planned. Yeah, it took longer, had way more casualties and hurt way more than I thought it might, but the joy has continued to outweigh the lack there of.
Here’s the problem..I didn’t consider what might be the most important piece in this pursuit. I didn’t even think this part was possible. As I go down this road and get closer to finding myself, closer and closer each day, becoming in tune with my true self, what if I don’t like who I find waiting there?
I’m not looking for adulation nor confirmation. I mean really. What if as I approach that thing that we all long to find-our own personal meaning, what happens if the closer I get the more I resemble an unlikable version of what i was when i started this journey?
I’m not exactly sure what that would mean for me. I’m not sure that I would be able to continue this particular quest.
I do know this..I am making more mistakes now than ever and that worries me.
I dread writing and worrying people. I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m healthy. I’m okay. I’m in touch. BUT I’m not exactly sure I like what I’m becoming.
I’ve always wanted to be perfect. That led me to an endless sea of heartbreak and disappointment.
Now I just try not to break what I touch along the way. For everyone that I may touch positively, it seems someone else is being hurt or ignored.
As its said, “Everything will work out in the end. If it isn’t working out, it isn’t the end.”
As you move towards reaching your higher self, are you sure that you considered EVERYthing?