PatBlogahan.com

Confessions of the baby of the family:

Sat, 05 May 2012 14:34:30 -0400

After having 6 kids, my parents took a breather. Can’t blame them. Breather? With having to take care of 6 children, how could anything sound like a breather? Yeah, good point. Well, anyway six years passed and then voila! There I was. Precious, isn’t he.
My dad said I was mature even as a baby, like a real responsible adult. Not sure if that’s true and so I will accept that as he said it. As my life continued and I became a kid then a teenager then a man child, I always had a dream. A huge goal. It was what I used to get everywhere. I used it in school, knowing that school wasn’t my path. I used it to get by, survive. Then I was a grown up. I had children, a job, responsibilities and people who counted on me. That never felt bad to me. I suppose I was ready for that from a very young age.
I met the goal, or so it seemed. A strange thing was happening and I wonder if my being the baby of the family plays a roll. I never feel satisfied. In fact it always feels like every time I can reach the hoop, someone lifts it up an inch or two.
When I was a child in a house with 8 other people, there were times of joy and times of trouble. Those things came and went and I always had forever to solve any problems that may have occurred. Now I don’t feel like I have forever. I feel like I only have one problem to solve and I have to really figure it out soon, before I lose sight of the answer forever.
How do I become okay with my life results?! How do I look at my body and say, “Not bad.”? How do I listen to my records and say, “Dude, you fucking did it!”? When will I sit in a dressing room in Birmingham, England, knowing that I am about to perform to a beautiful group of people in a sold out O2 venue and look in the mirror and think, “Congratulation! You’ve come a long way.” Because all I do now is want more. I want to look better. I want to be better. I want to have more and more and more love till I explode. I read 10,000 things from people that say “I LOVE YOU, Pat” and then one that says,”Hey Pat You suck!” and I am filled with sadness to my bones.
Some say that I feel these things because I am an artist. I don’t feel like an artist. Some say I am the baby of the family and that’s the way that works. But I’m certainly not a baby of anyone’s family anymore. I’m just a man trying to do his best and breaking shit along the way.
I promise myself to stop taking things personally but then the time comes and I do the whole routine all over again. Then I commiserate with others and it feels better for a moment or two. I sometimes feel like I should call it quits and grow a garden. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing some good for people. Sometimes I could use a break. Sometimes I could use a friend. And sometimes I feel like I am not alone and that makes me feel a bit better.
I don’t know if I will ever solve this one. The only thing I can do is my best. I hope that everyone in my life always knows that I am always trying to do my best.

Pat

I've thrown a bunch away

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 05:50:03 -0400

I keep writing blogs and tossing them out because I’m not clear enough in my words to you at the time.
I’ve written about the past and SF and Johnny Cash and all sorts of things but nothing has seemed worthy of sending.
I haven’t been ignoring you, I’ve just been cloudy in the point lately.
I have been super edgy too. I think it’s that I’ve never been busier than I am currently and I miss a lot of important people. They are the ones that rejuvenate me when I need strength to continue.
Being a music man is a lovely way of life and at the same time it’s grueling.
I wouldn’t trade it but at times I just need to air it out. Hope that’s okay.
I saw a light tonight in Austin.
I saw my future rise just like the lyrics in Landmine. Got to sing a Kris Kristofferson song in front of him tonight. Sang with Shelby Lynn and Amy Lee. And I was surrounded by the American backbone of music.
My friend Tisha Fein gave me a life changing opportunity by inviting me to a Johnny Cash tribute at Austin City Limits.
I am grateful to her and so many others.
I am so grateful that you are all expressing your love for our latest album.
We will always try to give you your money’s worth in all we do. We have enormous respect for you all and I hope you see that in our work and our shows.
Hoping great things for us all this year, mostly love and time together and time with the ones that rejuvenate us.

Love, Pat

Feels good at first.

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 03:59:36 -0400

Driving away from Nashville towards who knows where to write with a possible new friend. The further I get from town, the more snow and the less people. Yes, I said snow. I remember driving and driving and as you would expect I eventually had no reason to have a mobile phone because it was useless. I had to be somewhere later that evening, so what was In store was just a meeting perhaps. After 45 minutes or so there I was at the house that built him. And there he was. Along with his friendly smile and half a dozen horses, Alan greeted me at my rental car.
“Hey there, Pat. I’m Alan”. Okay, so far so good. I grabbed my computer and my everything shoulder bag and headed to a very small log..uh..room.
Small, quaint and kind of perfect for the snow setting and this kind faced country writer. “This is where I write. I can think here.” “Hmm, okay cool. I like it here”, I say. Head to the restroom, due to drinking 30 cups of tea and 76 Perrier’s. Thats when I feel music and melody come get me. Usually I like to not be the idea guy in other people’s environment. Your turf! Your ideas! Kinda always look at it that way. But today, I felt this little wooden writing cabin coming at me and I opened up to the idea that the “turf” was actually telling me what to do.
So simple really, when you think about it. Love always feels so good at first. Makes me melancholy when I think of the love lost with time. Our “stuff” catches up to us within the relationship and the love bank starts to run out of funds. Sad for the most part but beautiful if talked about in a gentlemanly manner with a bit of melody.
Sitting across from Alan and discussing these ways of describing love, new and old, I was very grateful for the long trip in and the unexpected cold, white obstacle. I was very grateful to leave there with this simple poem with a bit of melody and I was grateful for the time spent with a lovely man who has made my life better with his past song writing.
Haven’t spoken to Alan since but I believe we will meet again for some more lovely moments.
By the way, I must have cursed 4000 times, from excitement, while writing this song. Alan just grinned without judgement and did not once say one fucking swear word. Man, he’s a cool dude.
“Goodbye, Pat. So great to have met you. Hope to see you again”. Me too, man. For sure. Let’s do it.
So, today that piece of life and love got to all of you and from what I saw, there is much love ad enthusiasm for it. I am so grateful for that. Gives me great reason to see a new friend again.
I suppose there is always a favorite line in every song I write. This one has many. Stole a few and made a few but they all sound right to me. Maybe I think the line, “And you can’t get mad when some girl you think I had puts a story in your head, when I hardly know her.” is my favorite. Or maybe the “autumn” line. Or perhaps the “roped and tied”.(thanks, Elton or Bernie).

I’m starting to understand some things about life and love and I am finding it all quite beautiful.
Thank you for that.

Love, Pat

Damn, girl!

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 06:12:51 -0500

There aren’t better singers than Whitney Houston. Not now. Not ever.
She was very special. Sometimes the most fragile objects are the loveliest.
We have all missed that greatness that she has been keeping from us long before today when she moved on the the non-physical life. Being a prisoner of a substance is hard to overcome for us all.
I truly hope great things will come to her family after this. I know she has a young daughter and I hope that she will not spend her whole life trying to figure out what happened to her mom. These tragedies don’t come with answers. They are somehow here to teach us all about the split second we get here and remind us to live it with kindness and love and also to dig deep within to get the highest level of yourself while you’re here.
Whitney had such a gift. I remember meeting Al Green’s backup singers, an older gentleman in that small group. He heard me sing and said, “Congratulations for respecting your gift”. Today that means more than ever. I do respect it and will continue to be grateful at every moment. Gifts aren’t forever, especially the gift of life. I plan to treat mine with the utmost respect and appreciation.
I hope you are all safe and happy and treating your gifts and self like children. You deserve that.
We’ll all see you again someday, Whitney. Thank you for your greatness and sharing what you were great at. I hope you are no longer in pain.

Love, Pat

True love

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 05:58:53 -0500

When I was a kid, I would watch award shows and see big music stars and big time actors saying they loved their fans. It always made me crack up, knowing none of them would ever go out of their way to give any of their fans the time of day. It’s actually kept me from saying I love my/our fans on shows because it always seemed cheap and easy to say but not easy to do. I think of it as I do photo ops in places that love celebrity faces to look like a legit cause. Easy to show up and pretend but who’s doing the “real work”?
Anyway, it’s close to us getting back on the road and I fucking LOVE train fans and I wanna prove it. No bullshit speech. I want to continue this growth of community of misfits. When a bunch of you came to our Erie show last year, I was so touched and felt so blessed and special that I couldn’t express it. I got to sit with you for a while so I loved that I was able to personally thank you. When I say I love someone or something, count on it being true. I don’t look for opportunity with words of the heart. I find it very jive and pretentious and mean spirited to do so.
So as we embark on our next adventure, I will be getting to know and personally thanking even more of you in many different ways. I sincerely thank you from myself and my family and Train for this outrageously beautiful life you have provided us. If there is ever a time that you do not feel that sincere gracefulness from me, let me know so that I can get better at it.
I have many life obligations but none bigger than being personally grateful.
I am truly sending a flood of love to you all from a humble and sincere place. You all mean everything to me, young and old as hell.
I am determined to prove you all right for loving me and Train in the first place!!

Love, Pat

All 7

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 06:30:50 -0500

All 7

If laughter really is the best medicine....

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 06:30:30 -0500

Then I will live to a very old age. I was just with ALL of my brothers and sisters for the first time in ten years. That was Thanksgiving just before my mom passed away.
So, there we were in Erie, PA to be with my dad during a pretty scary time for all of us due to his health struggle at 85 years old. He’s always been indestructible and now he isn’t and it’s strange for my entire family.
My dad is a pretty wonderful guy. Everyone knows and loves Jack Monahan. If you don’t, you just haven’t met him. He’s always had a youthful twinkle in his eye that I recognized early on in my life. People gravitate to him and love to listen to his stories and his hilarious points of view about life. But yesterday the world slowed to a crawl as we held our breathe hoping for his friends of yesteryear to hold off on taking him so we could have more time soaking in the goodness that is Jack.
He has always loved this life. Not knowing what’s next was never really part of what he spent much time reflecting on. He loves the now, here, right here where the action is.
He has taught me so much about word use and what’s compelling. He’s very hard to impress by the arts and when he is impressed, his reasons are well thought out and passionate and filled with admiration.
His generation was astonishing. The wars they won. The inventions they came up with. The character that they had as a whole. They lived by a code. A code of class that could never stoop for any reason ever. What a generation! What a story. What a man.
He and my mother had seven kids. I was last. We told stories around my dad today and filled him full of the light that he had filled us with all these years.
His heart was pulling him down but his spirit was lifting him up.
He taught us to laugh and never take ourselves or life too seriously. That was for the unwise. We were to be beyond that. These lessons all came silently. We just watched a humble man make a living with great charisma and personality and were able to get the whole picture that he was painting.
I was wishing today that all that laughter could help him live forever but as we all well know who gets the last laugh.
I am grateful for the great friendship that I have been able to have with my dad. I hope that these past few days experiences will bring the seven of us closer and give all of our children reasons to get together in the future and remember this great man. I hope that he will be around for many more years but either way he will live inside of us as our mother does, reminding us what is truly of value that costs nothing and adds decades to your time here.

Love, Pat

I was thinking..

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:14:05 -0500

Drive By is out and what a great response you have all giving it. It’s a side of the band on our new record that is a lot of fun and up beat in a way that reflects the new energy of Train.
For those of you who were counting on a more reflective side of the band, there is plenty on the new CD. We’ve always made records that are kind of divided in two parts, A side and B side. It’s old school thinking but it’s hard to break that habit.
We cut a couple songs today at Butch Walker’s studio and they sound kind of like The Band meets Train meets James Taylor meets Led Beatles. You know what I’m talking about, right? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, there is a lot of fun up beat stuff coming and also singer songwriter vibe as well plus we are a band, so it sounds like a band.
I’m very excited about what we’re doing. I wish I could invite you all in to the studio.
We are putting together period of time we will be spending in SF playing some old joints we came up in and also we are still brain storming about a listening party that I had mentioned a while back in one of my blogs. We’ll fill you in when we figure it all out.
One more thing I wanted to say is that I’m very happy that Jason Mraz’s single is #1 on iTunes. It’s real good and I like where that guy is coming from. Seeing him and Adele and Train charting on iTunes is pretty crazy after all the changes that music has made over the past 15 years.
I appreciate those changes.
I appreciate our own evolution musically. And I mostly appreciate you all being here to be the biggest part of what’s good about Train and our music.
Train fans are the kinds of people that being around just makes you feel better about being on this orb.
Sending healing love out there.
Especially for my pops.

Love, Pat

Surf

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 04:57:02 -0500

There’s a moment when you paddle out to sea, just before the wave in front of you breaks, it seems like both you and the ocean hold your breathe and you leap into one another. I feel like I am in that state of mind a lot these days. I’m waiting to leap in and hope for the best. When you rise up to catch another breathe there is both great relief and exhilaration. Salt in your eyes, morning calm, quiet. Then again, hold, dive, breathe. I’m tired thinking about this. It’s been a few years since I even surfed but the memory never leaves. I miss the fear. I miss the vibration of the water at 6AM.
I have time.
Time has me.
We will leap together again.
Knowing that we are both fragile yet one of us will always be the victor.
I will be there where the motion is pure and fluid and the world has paused.
These days have been filled with caution. I am ready for 2012 to really take over now as a leader would a week or so after taking power.
Take us to this new vibration of love, twenty twelve.
I think I’m going to start calling you guys this year. Once in a while I will randomly call someone and say thank you. We can all call one another in 2012. You in ?

Love, Pat

Weird ass New Years

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 02:09:53 -0500

I stopped drinking about 16 years ago. That’s about the time music actually started to become a possible future for me. Every since then though, I have not had an epic New Years Eve.
I’m thinking that it’s just a strange time for me in general but this year was just as weird as the past 15. Not complaining, just sharing a part of my life outside of music.
It feels like this evening before the year changes over is kind of filled with lots of stress and expectation. I made a great dinner. Had family around and watched the ball drop. Pretty standard. Then I stressed on a few people and let things that had piled up come out in a blaze of frustration. Seriously, a glass of Drops of Jupiter could have mellowed me out. Starting to seriously think that New Years Eve should be my one alcohol day of the year. We’ll see.
In general, I’m wound pretty tight. I love the laughs of life but damn I just can’t chill these days. What am I so upright about? Relax! Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
That’s better. No its not. I’m in a hotel in Miami so I can’t really scream. Doing the Orange Bowl half time tomorrow. Very exciting. Such great people running the whole thing. I’m really impressed with this event and how it is run.
Okay, I vented a bit and I thank you for allowing that. New music and new lots of stuff coming very soon.
Hope you are all being loved and having a great 2012 so far.
Love and miss you all, except that one guy. Ha. Kidding.

Pat

Thanks!

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:44:43 -0500

I’ve been very family lately so I have kind of been away but please except my deepest thank you for the wonderful life you’ve given me and my family. Train fans and friends are kind and thoughtful and so what I’m trying to be more of.
I hope that we get many more years of sharing life moments and having a good laugh and cry together.
I’m always working on getting better at what I do and who I am because I feel like that is truly the best way to show appreciation.
I hope you’re all having great times with the ones you care the most about and before you know it we’ll be together again singing and mosh pitting ….or ya know something like that.

Love, Pat

The changing of the leaves

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:14:33 -0400

Autumn is probably my favorite time of year. The colors mean everything to me. I’ve always felt like autumn inside. Leaves, which are green and unnoticed for much of their life spans, become vibrant and filled with personality and reason to pay attention.
Its a reminder that you can’t ever expect anyone to know your potential. Only you know your potential. Only you know what your capable of and what your boundaries and limitations are. Like Doug Stanhope says, “Your body is your property. No one should be able to tell you what to and not to do with it.” Makes sense.
So, as the leaves all change before they fall, I long for those familiar sounds of football, the wet streets with trick or treaters, the excuse to eat pumpkin pie and family. I’m missing my brothers and sisters, my older children, whom I’ll see very soon, and my dad. Usually we have Thanksgiving. There will be some missing pieces this year. My dad will stay in PA and my friend Connie will be joining us this year in spirit. It will be a great time to really be grateful this year. So much to appreciate. As I expand in age, I am seeing so much that I need to reflect on more. For instance, I haven’t exercised because I have an injury. Man, I’m grateful for times without pain. My wife and I have a new baby guy named Rock(not a music reference). He’s sweet and healthy and beautiful. And what I really am learning to love is time. Time to be. Time to rest. Time to remember and time to forget. Time will come and go as we will but people and the beasts will always have these fleeting moments to choose all of these amazing choices in this weird world. I suppose I will just want to look back one day and be grateful for how I chose to spend my spare moments. I will be taking that more seriously in these years to come. These spare moments have gotten to be few and far. And so I love this season. It is Northern California’s most beautiful as well as it’s warmest time of year.
So much to be grateful for. Yes!

I just read all of the letters that I received in Erie. Thank you, everyone. You are so kind and when I do get to actually see you and talk to you all, I am always so excited that you are even more wonderful in person. I hope you will continue to send love and good energy during our recording time, which begins this weekend. Hoping to have new music out right after the new year. We’ll see. There’s so much to do and we definitely want to be evolving in a positive direction.

Lastly for now, I’ve been reading the same book for 5 months now. 353 pages. I read about a page a week. Ha. What a joke. Does everyone do this kind of shit? I feel like a dummy. I know people that read a book a week. Oh and yes I do hate them. Jokes.
Okay, I’m on a plane to LA with Pergo. He and Moose are really getting famous among you guys. I think I know why…they’re weird and fun to watch cause weird is fun to watch. Right? I know they aren’t hot! Okay, well not super hot anyway.

Love you guys. Thanks for always looking out for one another. So good to see on this planet right now.

Pat

Not quite sure

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 23:26:16 -0400

I have no idea what to write. I feel as if I’m late for an appointment and I don’t know what its for so I just keep hurrying in hopes that by the time I get there I’ll remember what the hell I’m there for.
Nothing yet…hmm…okay, I’ll ad lib cause that’s what I’m hoping to be someday, an ad lib master.
Uuuhh oh okay, here, I’m outside a grocery store with my sleeping 3 year old and Daryl Hall is on Sirius 2 Blend. I’ve been hoping to catch more Howard Stern but I’m not sure that Autumn would enjoy sleeping to incredible comedy without sensor. Okay, Howard’s on now. She seems to love it as much as I do.
This is some good parenting..I hope. I would have thanked my dad.
Other news, as if I’ve said anything worthy of being news, is that we will start to record our next record soon. So excited. We’ll work in LA, SF, Seattle and I’m trying to get a day or two in Hawaii or on the moon.
Also, we still plan on doing the listening party in SF for a couple hundred fans. I figure we should do a vote. You can’t vote for yourself or you won’t be invited. I thought YOU should be the ones to decide. You can vote for people and say why. Not yet, but in January probably.
Hope you like that idea.
We have some pretty good music right now too. I’m trying to hone in on how to complete the album vibe. Been listening to a lot of Van Morrison and The Band. Then I went through itunes to hear all the greatest songs ever, like Lover You Should’ve Come Over. Buckley is missed. Radio Head had some great songs back in their start. Fake Plastic Trees is wow. James Taylor. Carol King! She wrote a thousand hits.
Anyway, I’m eating more. Softening up for the big Thanksgiving feast. Oh yea, and I’m gonna take a lot of kid’s candy this Halloween too. I think I’m gonna be te new “Round Rocker”. We’ll see.

Miss you guys!
See some of you in Erie(may be my final show as a skinny).

Love, Pat

Train fans are weirdos! Thank goodness.

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 02:54:06 -0400

I would like to point out 20 reasons Train fans are the best!
1.T-fans are actually kind people
2.You have a great sense of yourselves
3.You are open to things
4.You have a great sense of humor
5.You care about your fellow friends and other fans of Train and other music
6.You’re really attractive
7.You think we’re awesome, therefore YOU are awesome
8.You have formed a loving community among yourselves and its growing stronger and more beautiful
9.You don’t say things like, “Pat looks great…for his age”
10.You don’t hand me shirts from other bands and ask me to sign them
11.You’re great cooks
12.You love football and your fantasy teams have our song titles in their names
13.You don’t sit in the front row of our concerts and act completely uninterested in the other bands/artists
14.T-fans have great asses
15.You believe in a universal truth and that truth is always the best policy
16.You think you’re Virginia(some of you) and that’s sweet
17.You don’t take this life too seriously but you are serious about living right
18.Your kids, parents, friends love Train and that makes you all really smart
19.You have great taste in music
20.You are truly wonderful people and we appreciate you all so much for all you do for us and with us

I’d like to finish by saying how much fun we’re having on tour with M5. Its the home stretch for us before we record our next record and start all over again.
Also, I love Matt Nathanson! He is an amazing artist, friend and overall dude. Please get to know him and his music. I’m such a huge fan of his. He is making this tour even more incredible.
Lastly, there was a little girl(trainette) on stage tonight in Georgia. She was wonderful. She’s pretty sick and that didn’t stop her from being the most beautiful energy I’ve ever seen. Let’s all send love and healing energy to her and get her better. The world needs her. Thank you.

Love, Pat

I Figured It Out -OR- Huh?

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 03:37:37 -0400

Years ago I had a great therapist. Her name is Judi. She is a really special person and she was the start of a large transformation for me. I am forever indebted to her. I should call her more often to thank her and give her my love. Anyway, I mention her because I’ve been wondering why people behave the way they do. Why do we treat one another the way we do? Why do some relationships work and others don’t? Why do I entertain the way I do? Why do managers manage the way that they do? I then remember the process that Judi helped me go through and I’m going to share it. It really opened my eyes. Maybe you will find something interesting in her theory(that I claim as my own when I think I can get away with it).
Here goes…
A few years ago I often wondered why I was so unhappy. I felt as though I was draining every ounce of ‘try’ and ‘love’ from myself to give to others and it was getting me absolutely nowhere. Why, Judi, why??
Her response, as best as I can remember was, “We give others what we want in return. The problem with this is that just because its what we want, it doesn’t mean that its what the person we’re giving it to wants.” This made a jygundous impression on me.
Of course! There it is, the answer to all things human. Why are we who we are? Because we know, for the most part, what it is that we want and that conditions us to give what we want. We attract like minded others and eventually we grow more alike or more different.
**********this next part is NOT a judgement*******************
I became sober during this time and it had been so long since I wasn’t getting hi or drunk that I never really knew who I was or what it was that I wanted. My addictions just turned into other addictions after that, like work and running, etc. All much better for you, I’m told.
So, there it is! The answer to “us”. We are what we eat and we want what we do. Huh? It kinda makes all the sense in the world, doesn’t it? The Universe is ingenious.
I’m a hundred percent sure that this theory has as many holes in it as a colander but at least its a damn theory. And its really frickin late, so that’s what ya get for late…and free. Ha. Good night.

Love, Pat

Indianapolis

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 02:48:21 -0400

I don’t usually talk much about tragedies like the one in Indianapolis Saturday night and I can’t imagine I’ll ever let myself watch any video clips of it ever either. But I feel like simply adding these people to my thoughts isn’t quite enough. This is a very close to home topic for me/us and the fact that we’re headed to Indy for a show this week makes it extra close. It could have been any of us, band, crew or bystander. So, I wanted to send some thoughts out there.
I have always been under the impression that the “things happen for a reason” theory somehow played a role in everything but these stages going down, I really don’t know what kind of reasons could be connected to the heartache that comes with it. I’m not one to tell the Universe how to behave but I can certainly ask humans to care more about the stages that they are providing at these festivals and fairs. I know that weather has been a factor in all 3 of these events but please let’s be conscious of one another’s well being and care less about making sure the checks can get cashed.
If these items had nothing to do with this tragedy, I apologize for the accusations and I am also very surprised because money plays a role in all that we do these days.
I am so sad for these people that were injured or worse by this absolutely awful collapse and I am thinking of you all constantly and sending love. We hope to be there in a few days and we hope to bring love and a few moments of good cheer and smiles to an amazing state/city with people who are filled with the heart of this country.
317 is the shit and will continue to be.
Thanks for listening to my rant and let’s take better care of each other, okay?

Love, Pat

The heaviest bowling ball

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 05:47:45 -0400

I’m really not one to be macho. In fact, when I’m not on stage, I’d probably rather hang back. Yeah, I get on a story tangent or jokes roll here and there but when I’m not among friends or people I’m close to and I’m not at meet and greets, I like to observe rather than take the spot light.
With that said, how could I resist? It was as if it was the worlds biggest challenge and the prize was bigger than what my imagination could drum up. Losing this proposition meant nothing. What I mean is, not succeeding would mean everything I would do would equal nothing or at least feel like that.
I’m not sure when it happened. It may have been in Sedona. Maybe in San Francisco. It actually could have happened in Erie when I was a child. I remember crying a lot at night as a kid. Not because I was scared or needy, I cried because I felt this hopelessness that I couldn’t fix everyone’s sadness. It was horrifying to think that the people I loved would one day leave me, at least physically. I wasn’t scared for me. I was scared for them. I felt like I should have been able to prevent it and learning that I couldn’t made me feel this deep sorrow that I never shared with anyone.
What does all this mean? I think it means this: music came to me then. Like some sort of answer. Like a response from the Universe for my hopelessness. And as I learned how to use it and control it and ask for things directly related, I started to feel overwhelming moments of joy. I felt like a huge impenetrable line of people shifted slightly to make room for me to pass. I feel like when I passed through I was wondering in the dark for years, unable to know what it was I was looking for or doing or learning or supposed to do. It felt like I traded in my youth at that very moment for a huge assignment card that I couldn’t read.
As time moved and I kept searching, things went well. Then times went dark. Then they went great. Then very dark. And now I am here. As I look back, I realize that what I chose in those days was the slow road to self awareness. I chose the big stuff. The heaviest bowling ball. And as I gave it my best go, it went down a never ending lane at a snails pace and has slowly and surely been picking up momentum for all this time as though the lane had a slight down hill pitch to it.
I learned not so long ago that I was given this choice and these gifts because that’s what I asked for. Maybe not as directly as, “Please let me sing well” but I definitely asked for a vehicle to board to possibly do something for someone. When I see people smile, when I have Trainettes of all shapes and ages dance and sing, when people cry with me and we remember our loved ones that were lost or found, it all fills me with a love that I get to store and spread at the next place and the cycle continues from one day to the next. For even just one brief moment, to see a person light up because of something I have done or said or had someone else say or do, I feel like the ball picks up more momentum to spread love and togetherness. I was just the one who pulled it from the rack. You are the ones who make it roll.
Thank you for helping me spread this love from town to town in so many countries. I am so grateful.

Love, Pat

Whale's .....you know(Anchor Man)

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 15:05:13 -0400

Okay typically I don’t do this but I really have to say this. I was not prepared for the bigness in San Diego last week.
I will be so prepared next time that it will be ridiculous.
Thank you all who came to that show and I promise that the next one will be worth the wait. I love San Diego and all the people who live there.
Now I have to get back to working on being prepared.
Love, Pat

DRIVE BY lyrics

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 16:44:56 -0400

On the other side of a street I knew
Stood a girl that looked like you
This must be deja vu
But I thought this can’t be true
Cause you moved to west LA or New York or Sante Fe
Or where ever to get away from me

Oh but that one night
Was more than just right
I didn’t leave you cause I was all through
Oh I was overwhelmed and frankly scared as hell
Because I really fell for you

Oh I swear to ya
I’ll be there for ya
This is not a drive by y y y y
Just a shy guy looking for a 2 ply
Hefty bag to hold my y y y y y y love
When you move me everything is groovy
They don’t like it sue me
The way you do me
Oh I swear to ya
I’ll be there for ya
This is not a drive by y y y y

On the other side of a downward spiral
My love for you went viral
And I loved you every mile you drove away
But now here you are again
So let’s skip the “how you been”
And get down to the “more than friends” at last

Oh but that one night
Is still the highlight
I didn’t leave you until I came to
Oh I was overwhelmed and frankly scared as hell
Because I really fell for you

Please believe that when I leave
There’s nothing up my sleeve but love for you
And a little time to get my head together too

On the other side of a street I knew
Stood a girl that looked like you
This must be deja vu
But I thought this can’t be true
Cause

How can you..

Sun, 10 Jul 2011 19:59:01 -0400

Convince someone to want to be here on earth?
Make someone feel essential?
Love someone enough to change how they feel about themselves?
Delay or prevent family/friends heartache?
Talk someone into life?
Talk someone out of giving up?

Do you feel like once someone makes a decision to be gone, that’s it? I’ve always thought that people who leave early due to their own choice couldn’t be helped. In my life experience, the ones I’ve lost this way surprised everyone. Whether they were never happy or depressed or suffering or hopeless, they never let anyone know.
Convincing someone to be happy seems as likely as convincing someone to fly. It’s easy to help someone carry something but so crazy hard to ask someone to carry on.
The thought of taking my own life came and went once or twice as a teenager but was instantly met with all sorts of reasons to stay and search for answers and joy.
Some people claim to have never been happy. I wish I could wipe away the darkness that some people live in.
Humans are so delicate, so awful, so beautiful, so broken and so perfect. Oh how I wish there was a way to bring joy to everyone, even just everyone in my small circle of life.
And so I will wait. I will hope. I will pray my own kind of prayer. I will love and want all good things for all of us and let the universe take who she needs and leave the rest to clean up and move on and grow and teach and cry and remember and still after all that not know one thing about how to have done any of it differently.

Pat

PatBlogahan.com

Confessions of the baby of the family:

I've thrown a bunch away

Feels good at first.

Damn, girl!

True love

All 7

If laughter really is the best medicine....

I was thinking..

Surf

Weird ass New Years

Thanks!

The changing of the leaves

Not quite sure

Train fans are weirdos! Thank goodness.

I Figured It Out -OR- Huh?

Indianapolis

The heaviest bowling ball

Whale's .....*you know*(Anchor Man)

DRIVE BY lyrics

How can you..

Whale's .....you know(Anchor Man)